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Hi Guys!
Welcome to the world of age and experience.
Throughout this section, you'll need to be
careful not to cause a leak in your
" absorbent undergarments. "
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Of course you know to never
mess with old people, right?
Some folks just can't seem
to figure that out.
Click the, uhm...dice,
to hear about a bet.
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We all know how much fun it can be
to travel with our spouse.
Right?
Well, maybe not.
Click on the VW bus.
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From beaus to bosses ... lovers to spouses,
...age creates surprises
and disappointments.
Not to worry, though.
Life can still be a lot of fun!
Click on the strawberries.
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Technology rocks!
Now that we have that maturity about us,
let's share our knowledge
with the younger generation. :D
Click on the pink tp
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Love potty humor?
I mean real potty humor.
Well, get your mind out of the gutter
and back into the bathroom
where it belongs!
Click on the happy tp
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Ouch. Ooh. Owey.
Huh?
If you're getting on in years,
these sounds may be coming from you.
Click on the old man and cane
to check out the source of these sounds.
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There's no need
to eat dog food
when Bistro MD
tastes so good!
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But if you do
decide to,
be sure to grab
some health
insurance first !
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YourWishMistress
uses and
recommends
eHealth !
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A TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO
buying a large bag of dog chow for my loyal
pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog,
and was in the checkout line when a woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So, since I'm retired and have little to do,
on impulse I told her that no,
I didn't have a dog.
I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet,
and that the way that it works
is to load your pants pockets with nuggets
and simply eat one or two every time you feel
hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again.
( I have to mention here that practically everyone in line
was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive
care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb
to sniff an Irish Setter's butt
and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have
a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of
crazy things to say.
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Retired People
Working people frequently ask retired people
what they do to make their days interesting.
For example,
the other day the wife and I went into town,
and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop
writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said,
' Come on man,
how about giving a Senior citizen a break? '
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Dumb Ass.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket
for having worn tires.
So Mary called him a ' Shi*head. '
He finished the second ticket,
and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived.
We try to have a little fun each day
now that we're retired.
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Wild Night At My House
HOW TRUE IT IS
Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.
I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
To put down on my pad,
But lots of things, That come to mind
Just make me kind of sad.
There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'.
We used to go to friends homes,
Baseball games and lunches.
Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.
We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.
We used to travel often
To places near and far.
Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.
We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall
But, now we never bother...
All the sizes are too small.
That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too damn old!!
You pass this way only once so enjoy it while you can;
Live A Lot, Laugh A Lot and Love A Lot!
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa,
and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised
when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said,
' Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle
and no full-time employment,
which you explain by saying that you
win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,'
says Grandpa.
' How about a demonstration? '
The auditor thinks for a moment and said,
' Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says,
' I'll bet you a thousand dollars
that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says,
' It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says,
' Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars
that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind,
so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered
and lost three grand
with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
' Want to go double or nothing?
' Grandpa asks.
' I'll bet you six thousand dollars
that I can stand on one side of your desk,
and pee into that wastebasket on the other side,
and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now,
but he looks carefully and decides there's no way
this old guy could possibly manage that stunt,
so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants,
but although he strains mightily,
he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket
on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy,
realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans
and puts his head in his hands.
' Are you okay?'
the auditor asks.
' Not really,'
says the attorney.
' This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been
summoned for an audit,
he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars
that he could come in here and pee all over your desk
and that you'd be happy about it! '
Don't Mess with Old People!!!
*taken from boortz.com
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It gets tough getting older in lots of ways
...or does it ?
When your hearing starts to go,
is it a problem?
Most of us would say yes, of course.
Look at some of the ways it can also be
comical.
click on the ear to read on...
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We all have our driving issues
from time to time.
But as we mature,
it's funny how they seem to be
more apparent.
Click on the traffic jam to see how.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOSPITAL REGULATIONS
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair
for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse,
I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed
with a suitcase at his feet,
who insisted he didn't need my help
to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules,
he reluctantly let me wheel him to the
elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife
was meeting him.
' I don't know,' he said.
' She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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